I’m jealous! !
There i said It. ..I’m jealous!
‘But jealous of what ‘ I hear you ask
Well quite a lot probably if I’m honest, flat tums, sunny holidays, full nights sleep, yes I could write quite a long list haha, but the jealousy I feel right now is of the parents that look forward to school holidays.
I’m jealous of the parents that talk of their excitement at having their children home for a week or two.
I’m jealous of the adventures they plan.
Of the count down to the end of term.
Of lay ins and movie nights.
I’m jealous of their spontaneous adventures.
When I see a friend post a status about how much fun they are going to have.
“Yah no school runs ”
“I can’t wait to see their faces ”
My heart sinks a little, I would love to feel what they feel.
So by now you’re probably thinking what an awful mother i am, that I don’t want my children around. .you couldn’t be further from the truth. .
I adore my children and love them with everything that i am But. …
Our holidays are different. ..
Let me explain.
I have 3 wonderful children that I want to cuddle and laugh with, I want to take them on spontaneous adventures.
I want to just drive them to the beach so I can play with them on the waters edge.
I want us to have picnics with friends or a trip to a pizza restaurant.
Maybe explore museums or scream at theme parks. .
But we can’t!
My middle son is severely autistic, he’s non verbal , has profound learning difficulties and a vision impairment. Our life isn’t normal.
Whatever normal is.
I have to consider wheelchair accessibility,or is it somewhere that he could walk for a bit, toilet conveniences.
How busy the place will be; noise level.
We have to be prepared to leave at a drop of a hat , taking my other children with us when they would love to stay.
I need to think about the length of the journey.
Sometimes I need help to go to certain places but what help do I have?
It’s often a safer option to stay home but should we only be left with this option? Should my children only be left with this option?
I plan with military precision .
And that’s just going out. Being a carer is full on from eyes open to eyes closed and bits in between.
Everyday when lifting my son from his bed I then have to clean him, strip his bed and wash the room down, the washing machine groans as I fill it again and again.
At time’s when my eyes open in the morning, I can for a moment feel that I can’t move, I know what lays ahead, what my 1st, 2nd and 3rd jobs will be. .
I would love to lift him from his bed and snuggle him down straight away with me in mine, all of us to lay squashed like sardines in a tin enjoying a cuddle before the day starts but that’s not to be.
As each day ends i mark it on the calendar, not to count away the days but show we’ve got through another day. To show that even though it can be tough, we are tougher and we push forwards enjoying the holiday our way.
That even though in that moment when my eyes opened i wasn’t sure I was stronger enough, It turned out i was strong enough.
Maybe our holidays are not quite what I envisaged and yes so what I feel jealousy at the typical families holiday excitement. ..
I know really that none of that matters.
In between all that I’ve just talked about are some beautiful moments.
Cuddles and shared laughter.
Our strength together means more than anything else and my children are growing up with wonderful memories. .
So am I wrong for those feelings of jealousy?
I don’t think so. It’s only natural to think of the unknown .
It’s no worse than being jealous of a full nights sleep. .