Consuming thoughts

Bobbing up and down with a squeal , a smile so beautiful it lifts the weight from my shoulders, splashing and stomping on the warm waters edge, laughing as the Spray soaks his skin .

Watching my 10 year old son like this fills me with pure joy, a moment in time where he’s light and free. Autism may have stolen his voice and robbed him of things that should be part of every child’s life, yet he is overflowing with the joys of life and a vision of pure innocents.

And there it is again, that thought, that fear that follows me as though latched to my very shadow.
That fear that wakes me from my sleep and invades my waking thoughts .

What happens when I’m gone? ?

My beautiful boy will need care for life and I am prepared and honoured to help him through life, to be his voice and warrior for his care and needs.
But one day I’ll be too frail, one day I will have passed.

So what happens then? ?

I’ve left him alone with no voice in a scary world of ignorance. I would leave him in the hands of others, a residential home with staff.
A world of constant change awaits him and I’m terrified!

Then sometimes another tiny thought hits me making me feel sick and burnt.
What if one night as we lay curled sleeping together, nature took us together, he’s safe in my arms from beginning to end. .

How could I think that! It goes against every mothering instinct in me, every maternal part of me weeps. .
All I want is him to have a happy healthy full life, just like he deserves.
So how could I allow that thought to enter my head?

Because I love him that much!

I love him so much that the thought of leaving him crushes me to my soul.

It’s not the way it’s ment to be, I’m supposed to pass peacefully knowing my children have grown and found love. Independent and happy.
Not filled with crippling fear about his safety, and scared that there will be no one standing at his funeral weeping with devastated loss.

My son’s laughter and claps of happiness bring me back to now.
I push my fears back down and gulp away the sting of my heart.
I’m going to go and join in his water adventure , revel in him and drown him in my love. Because for now I have him safe.img_20161008_175333

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